poetry01

Wild Swans - 01 - English Electric Lightning (Wild Swans)

eyeswhenever i close my eyes

i
i close my eyes and shut myself away,
and think of the things and events,
that happen to come my way, good or bad,
a lot of things that come into my mind,
which is one too many for me.

ii
i close my eyes and shut myself away,
and think of those people whom i’ve met.
some of whom points the blame on me,
for letting my ideas muddled theirs.
i’m only expressing and i didn’t say do it.

iii
when i close my eyes and isolate myself,
and think of my emotions inside me,
fear and anxiety, frustration and
confusion, anger and pain, all kept in me.
if i let it out, others might get hit or hurt.

iv
i have to close my eyes to see things,
bright and blurred, black and white,
both from negative and positive sides,
and why these things happen to me.
it really puts me in a confused situation.

v
closing my eyes and think of those things,
that made me suffer and cry in silence,
and to the extent of drafting my suicide,
and making it a reality to end this life,
but a tiny flicker of light stopped me.

vi
i close my eyes to see things,
that i’ve done in the past without regret,
and to be done today regardless of repercussions,
for the future without hesitation.
nothing can be done with the past only for the future.

vii
closing my eyes and looking around me,
i see humans with their insane sanity,
while living in uncivilized civilization,
just to fit the inhuman humanity,
we’ve done this just to conform.

viii
i close my eyes and see myself,
a person, a human of flesh and blood,
a person with a heart not of stone.
who’s trying to contain and control oneself,
while praying that i still have the guts to do it in the future.

ix
whenever i close my eyes…

(08-11-1993/0830hrs)

back 1993, this poem made lot of sense to me and still is today but not in the same manner as then. this was, believe it or not was intended as a suicide note but as i was halfway thru it, i felt a sense of release was taken of my chest. days if not weeks before this was written, a feeling of desperation, frustration, emptiness and desolation hounded me. how i ended with that feeling years ago, i really don’t know, even up to this day. and i never wanted to know, even if i had a few loose ideas as to what causes it.

now, as i read and re-post this once again(it was posted on my other web: www.swaki.multiply.com on 01-08-2008), all i could do is smile and take a deep breath. had i ended my life back then, i wouldn’t be able to see what we have today. just thankful that i kept in mind what my college instructor in technical english writing told us then: “write down whatever feeling you have felt, for it will not only gave a sense of relief but also a smile on your face whenever you read what you have written”. i simply did just that, and it’s true. thanks to my college instructor.